Greyhat: Issue 2 - The Scurillous Affair

“Asshole,” her voice whispered in my ear. I loved it when she called me that. “Wake the fuck up you dense motherfucker.”

            “Huh?” I stirred from my slumber. I’m a pretty heavy sleeper. My mouth tasted like weed, scotch, and stale pussy. My head felt like I had an icepick lodged in my forehead and my eyes were crusted over with sweat and bodily fluids that were definitely not my own. So, all and all, the remnants of what must have been a pretty amazing night.

            “Open your eyes you idiot,” she spoke louder this time, but not toward me.

            I did as I was told and was greeted by the black snub of a Glock pistol. It was being pointed at me by a very naked Grace. “If we’re going to be doing BDSM, aren’t I supposed to be chained to the bed?” I find the best thing to do in life or death situations is to crack jokes. It makes them wonder why you’re not shitting yourself in fear and gives you a few seconds to figure out a plan of action.

            “Hardeck sends his regards,” she smirked and wiggled her hips. Probably because of how hard it is to balance on the waterbed. I know. I’ve had to stand on it many a time. Except I usually have a riding crop, not a .45 caliber pistol.

            “Is this business or revenge?” I pulled the covers down and propped myself up on my elbows.

            “Business,” she jumped off the bed and put the gun to my temple. “Wait,” she looked me up and down and then recoiled and cringed. “Are you hard right now?”

            I looked down at my Johnson and saw the mighty bastard twitching like an ADHD eight year old off his Adderall. “It’s a fear boner, I promise. Now, I already registered the exploit and you guys have the rights. If this isn’t revenge, then to what do I owe the pleasure?” I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and pushed myself up off the edge of the bed. We were in my room, mercifully, so I walked over to my dresser and pulled open my underwear drawer, and was promptly greeted with a pistol nose to the back of my skull.

            “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, asshole?” She pushed the gun harder against the back of my neck.

            “Slow down there, Annie Oakley,” I raised my arms to the sides of my ears. “I’m just trying to sheath the battle axe,” I gingerly reached down, and with two fingers, plucked out a pair of underwear. She pushed the gun harder again, forcing my head forward and down. I used the same hand to carefully push the drawer closed and then pulled on the underwear, raising my hands back up. She took a few steps back and I turned to face her. “See? My virility is now contained, your ovaries are safe again.” I looked over to the bed. “You ok?”

            “Wonderful, asshole,” she scrunched her nose. She had the covers wrapped around her, mousy and helpless as ever. “Hell of a buzz in the room, wouldn’t you say?” She winked at me.

            “I know my head is buzzing. Not sure if it was the orgy or this bitch’s stinger, please.” I made a thumb gesture at Grace and winked.

            “Will you two shut the fuck up with the banter? Now, Hardeck wants his money transf…augghh” she collapsed to the floor before she could finish the sentence, revealing a near-silent quad-copter drone painted like a bumblebee hovering in the doorway.

            “Amateur,” I said as I kicked the gun away from her hand. I pulled open the bottom drawer and grabbed a pair of handcuffs and duct tape. “Good thing I had planned on using these on you anyway. Just, you know, under different circumstances.” I cuffed her and taped her up. I looked to the bed and gave a smirk and a shrug.

            “Dumb cunt,” she replied as she got up, revealing her pristine nakedness, and glided over to her panties on the floor.

            “Hey, no c-word,” I scowled at her as she pulled her pink cottons up. “Also, have you been working out? I think I blacked out halfway through the movie.”

            “That’s the fifth time you’ve asked tonight,” she pulled on my button-down, did it up a few, and then came over to squat next to me as I pulled the dart out of Grace’s back. “Yes, I have been.”

            “Oh, well, you’re looking mighty trim,” I stood up and started looking for my phone. “Was the sex good?”

            “Meh,” she shrugged as she walked over to the dresser and picked up a half-smoked joint from the ashtray. “Grace eats lousy pussy.” She picked up a lighter and took a long hit. “You’re getting better, though.” She offered me the joint.

            “Oh? I took a go at you?” I guided her hand to my lips, took a beastly drag, and went back to rummaging through the pile of clothes for my phone.

            “You were missionary on Grace and I was playing with myself,” She shrugged and took another drag. “You kept insisting and I was close. Heat of the moment.”

            “Bummer,” I said through a cloud of exhaled smoke. I can’t dragon with a joint but it was still respectable.  “Now I’m pissed I blacked out, it sounded like a hot night.” I finally felt my phone in my waistcoat pocket. I pulled it out and stood up. “I’ll have to watch a replay on the security cams.”

            “Still can’t believe that twat didn’t think we had a security system,” she sauntered over next Grace and scowled down at her. She offered me the joint before squatting next to her, rolling her on her back, and running her fingers along her curves. “At least she was pretty.”

            “Hey, hands off,” I shot her a glance. “No touchy the unconscious chick. That’ll land you in the clink lickity-split.” I shot her another glance and smirked exaggeratedly.

            “Ugh,” she sighed and stood, though I’m not sure if from my absolutely amazing pun or the fact that she really wanted to indulge her creepy side. “So, we gonna do this, or what?”

            “Yeah, sure, gimme a sec,” I unlocked my phone and pecked out a message: Bern, have an incident, please advise.

***

            I turned the chair around when I heard the door handle jiggle. “Mr. Hosmick” I said, ankle over my knee, fingers steepled in front of my chest. “So happy to see you.”

            “It’s Hardeck,” he said, closing the door behind him, a look of bewilderment as he froze in spot. “What are you doing in my office?”

            “Mfmmfmfm,” Grace mumbled something, but I couldn’t make out what she said through the duck tape.

            Hardeck snapped his head to the side, made eye contact with her, and then snapped back to me, “Shit.”

            “Quite the pickle you seem to be in,” I tapped my index fingers to my lower lip. Everything was going perfectly to plan.

            “You didn’t answer my question,” his face was unmoving. “How did you get into my office?”

            “Oh that,” I spun the chair in a full circle and stopped myself by slamming my hands flat on his desk. “You have a Secu-Tex system. My client has an exploit currently awaiting arbitration for their new BCZ-01 system, which, Oh! You coincidentally seem to use,” I re-steepled my hands and pointed my fingers at him. “Oh wait, don’t you own Secu-Tex? Anyway, we’ll talk about that a little later. Moving along,” I slammed my hands on my knees and shot up, startling Hardeck. This was working brilliantly. “Now, shall we discuss the assassin you sent to steal the money you paid my client?” I folded my arms and tapped my index finger to my lip.

            “You have no evidence of that,” Hardeck made a stiff, hurried march to his desk, where he sat and folded his hands in front of him, chest pushed up against the front edge tightly. “

            I held up my phone, tapped a button, and then displayed the screen to him. “Hardeck sends his regards,” Grace’s voice said from the security footage repeated. “Mfffhmfhm,” the real Grace mumbled as she struggled against the duct tape holding her in the chair.

            “Circumstantial,” Hardeck laid his hands on his desk and shook his head. “You’ve got nothing pinning me…”
            “Now, Hardeck wants his money…” the security footage continued. Grace stopped struggling and exhaled feebly. “Mffff.”

            “I see, ‘Conspiracy to Commit Murder,’ ‘Conspiracy to Commit Felony Larceny,’ and ‘False Imprisonment of a Hostage,’ to name a few,” I turned to face Hardeck and then to Grace, who I was now standing next to. “Or, rather, I don’t see that, Bern Wallace, my counsel, sees that.”

            “You held me and my company hostage!” He exclaimed

            “I want,” I uncrossed my arms and shoved my hands in my pockets. “A million dollars,” with a pause for dramatic effect, “for the Secu-Tex exploit. In exchange, I walk out of here, and I don’t press charges.”

            “A million dollars for a bug that size is unheard of!” Hardeck gasped. “This is extortion!”

            “Actually, according to Bern, and his friend down at the DA’s office, if,” I slowly kicked my way over to standing in front of the door, “something like this were to happen, hypothetically, of course, we have a pretty strong case that ‘this,’” I made swirls with my fingers and returned them to my pockets, “could be construed as me accepting hush money, which carries a misdemeanor charge and could easily have the one year jail term commuted, all things considered.” I stood with my feet shoulder-width apart and leaned in slightly. Power poses. They work. “Oh, and I’ll be keeping the security footage in escrow with Bern in case you try to send a less amateurish mook,” I made a thumb gesture to Grace, “to try and pick up where she left off.”

            Hardeck stared at me unflinchingly for a while, and then shook his head, “Well? Can I say no? How do you want to do this, Mister…”

            I reached into my blazer’s breast pocket and pulled out a small tablet. I held it up in front of my face, walked a few paces forward, and then leaned over, gently set it down, and pushed it toward him. So predictable, I amaze myself sometimes. “Just enter your bank information, give it the ole’ John Hancock, and we’re square.”

            “This will be all over the news, you know,” Hardeck took the tablet and started tapping away at it.

            “Great!” I smiled widely, visualizing a giant bowl of shit to eat just waiting for me on the desk. “Talk about publicity for my client. And your firm! You’ll be the talk of the security community.”

            “My share prices will tank. The board will have my head,” he said as he slid the tablet back to me.

            “Well,” I leaned over, grabbed the tablet, and stuffed it back in my interior breast pocket, “next time, don’t provoke me. I’ll have Bern’s office send over all the appropriate paperwork to transfer the exploit rights.” I took a few steps back, pressed my palms together and took a small bow. “Since we’re done here, it was a pleasure doing business with you. And you,” I turned to Grace, “thank you for a fantastic evening. It was, enlightening,” I winked and pulled the tape off her mouth.

            “You make me sick,” she glared daggers at me. I held my fingers up to my head in the shape of a phone and mouthed call me. She spat on my shoe. My very expensive shoe. I open-hand slapped her, made a text gesture, then pointed from my eye to hers and winked. She smiled wickedly and licked the blood from the corner of her mouth.

            “Well, it’s been fun,” I reached behind me and pushed the door open. I rolled my hand in front of me and bowed deeply, “but now I must bid you adieu. Good luck!” I side-stepped back and out of the door, closing it quickly in front of me, and bolted as fast as I could down the stairs and across the lobby to the front door.  My car was already waiting for me.

            “How’d it go?” she said after kicking away from the car and pulling open the door.

            I dove straight into the car without answering her. She piled in after me and once I had got situated and adjusted my suit, I pulled my phone out and shot off a quick text message: Bern, they bought the Secu-Tex exploit. Hit Hans for payment, as is customary. “Million, minus Bern’s cut.” I stuffed the phone back into my breast pocket, pulled out the tablet from the other pocket, and passed it to her.

            “You devious bastard,” the tablet illuminated her face as she stared hungrily at the transfer confirmation. “Everything go according to plan?” she passed the tablet back.

            “Hook, line, and sinker, mija,” I took the tablet and stuffed it in the door pocket of the ‘Cedes. My phone buzzed and I pulled it out. Great. Swing by. Need to talk about SB exploit. “Bern needs us to swing by,” I pushed my phone in my pocket. “Bern’s office, please.” A beep acknowledged the change in course, and the screen at the front of the cabin showed the reroute and updated the estimated arrival time.

            “We should take a vacation,” she said as she leaned back in her seat, crossed her arms, and put her ankle on her knee. “I was thinking Thailand or Brazil, if you catch my drift.” She made a duck face and gave me an exaggerated wink.

            I pulled a pill bottle out of the cubby next to my seat and popped a modafinil. This was going to be a long day. “As much as the prospect of a harem of ladyboy hookers in a tropical country with questionable age-of-consent laws and lax police enforcement makes my pecker burst out of my pants, I was thinking maybe we could use this windfall for a bit more practical purposes.”

            “I was talking about the luxury casinos, but now that you mention hookers…” she trailed off and quirked an eyebrow up.

            I furrowed my brow and tilted my head at her.

            “Ok, maybe I was talking about the hookers,” she re-crossed her arms and harrumphed.

            “Thank you,” I smiled and leaned back in my seat. “Now, I was thinking we could finally pull the trigger on some of those remodels we were talking about.”

            “Which ones? The BDSM dungeon?” She leaned forward excitedly.

            “No,” I sighed. “Well, yes actually, but not just the BDSM dungeon.” I pulled my phone out and opened up my notes list. “Number one, ’Upgrade security system to Secu-Tex BCZ-01 system,’ Ok maybe not that one.”
            “Actually, if they patch that bug I found the ST system will be pretty much impenetrable, so I still think we should upgrade,” she pulled her phone out and started tapping at it.

            “Alright, well, all things considered,” I’ve been saying that a lot to day, “I think updating the security system should stay first on our list. Number two, ‘Convert spare room to boudoir.’”

            “See? That’s pretty high-priority, I’d say,” she looked up and made eye contact with me.

            “Alright, fine, we’ll do up the guest room. Again, all things considered,” there it is again! “I think having a sex room that isn’t my bedroom would be good. “

            “Yesssss,” she wiggled her body, then went back to her phone, then looked back up at me. “Do you think we talk about sex too much? I feel like that’s all we ever talk about.”

            “Is that a bad thing?” I pulled an eyebrow down and cocked my head to the side.

            “Absolutely not,” she sighed in relief. “I just wanted to make sure you didn’t care. Because, if you wanted to talk about other things, we can talk about other things.”

            “Don’t be silly,” I flopped my wrist at her. “Now, I think a sex-swing is too much, but what about ceiling mirrors?” I held up my phone to show her a picture.

            “You read my mind,” she said as she jumped across the cabin to sit next to me and cuddle against my arm as I scrolled through the search images. “Oooh, look at that. Who doesn’t love a King Edward’s chair?”

***